


Funny Short Stories

by Sky__4__Forever



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Cute, Fantasy, Funny, Gay, Harry Styles - Freeform, Humor, LGBT, LGBTQ, Poetry, Pop Culture, Satire, Short Stories, Step Brother, Superheroes, Time Travel, Tumblr, break stereotypes, fairytale, laugh, one direction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2020-05-13 02:00:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19241539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sky__4__Forever/pseuds/Sky__4__Forever
Summary: Funny short stories for when you need a pick me up!"Omg that was hilarious." -Emilyapples





	1. My Idiot Sister Kidnapped Harry Styles

@infinity_82 (Wattpad) helped me write this!

"Let me get this straight. You kidnapped Harry Styles, and now he is sitting in our basement, unconscious, and tied to dad's exercise machine in the workout room?"

"Yep."

"And you took him... when he was in the bathroom after a concert?"

"Yeah."

"And now security is sweeping the whole city of Chicago looking for him?"

"Uh huh."

"And you want my help to hide him?"

"That would be correct, yes."

I looked at my twin sister with a concentration I only seemed to find when I was looking for my lost phone.

"Natalie, you do know that this is highly illegal, right? Plus, you know that dad doesn't want you kidnapping anyone yet. It may be the family business, but you can't handle it!" I lectured her through gritted teeth. How could she run off and kidnap Harry freaking Styles?

I wasn't sure she could hear me from the crazed fangirl expression on her face. "Yeah, yeah, I know, but this is big! He was right there, unguarded and defenseless. How could I resist?"

I looked at her long and hard, a frown written across my mouth. I wasn't even going to ask how she came across his bathroom, all I needed to know was that if the police found me, they may blame me for my twin's actions. I hated being identical to her. "Fine, but please, no making out. I don't need any of that in my life."

"Really? Oh, you won't regret it, Kate! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Natalie screamed and jumped up and down, nearly tripping over Padfoot, our old, fat, and lazy dog. 

"Won't regret it? We'll see about that!" I grumbled. "Wait, Nat, what happens when dad comes home and goes in the workout room? Don't you think it'll be odd to see Harry Styles tied to the elliptical?" 

"Dad? Go in the workout room? You're joking, right? I had to trudge through a layer of dust to drag Harry in there." My criminal sister joked. She was right, though. 

"Alright, fine. Go turn on the TV to the news so that we can stay up to date on what is happening." I directed. She rushed to the TV and flipped to Channel 6, where the anchorman was already addressing the people watching at 2 o'clock in the morning on a Thursday, which is probably just us. 

"Breaking News, this just in: Harry Styles has been kidnapped after One Direction's concert in Soldier Field. Witnesses say that a girl with bright red hair wearing a One Direction T-Shirt, jeans, and Converse was the culprit. Police and a team of security are now trying to identify all red headed females in our city that would have been close enough to commit the crime, though they are doubtful that it will work. They will search the homes of these women when they narrow down the possible felons. Thank you, Chicago, and now to the weather." 

A feminine voice began droning off about clouds and precipitation, but I was already turning to face my sister. 

"YOU IDIOT!" I screamed, "IF YOU ARE GOING TO KIDNAP SOMEONE, YOU COULD AT LEAST DO IT RIGHT!"

"WELL SORRY, I'VE NEVER KIDNAPPED ANYONE BEFORE!" shouted Natalie. 

"THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE TO START SMALL, LIKE WITH A BABY AND WORK YOUR WAY UP! WHAT KIND OF PERSON GOES AFTER HARRY STYLES ON THEIR FIRST KIDNAPPING! YOU ARE A NEWBIE, ACT LIKE ONE!" I screeched. 

"OH, LIKE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE GONE AFTER DANIEL RADCLIFFE AT THE FIRST CHANCE!"

"THAT'S DIFFERENT!"

I could practically see the smoke coming from Natalie's ears. "IS IT? IS IT REALLY? BECAUSE I THINK THAT-"

"HELP," yelled a male voice with a British accent from basement. 

We both stopped our argument and looked down at the floor. Slowly, we advanced towards the door of the basement and turned on the light. The air got colder as we descended into the basement. Natalie flicked on the light and we walked towards the door of the workout room. 

"1... 2... 3... now!" I whispered.

Natalie opened the door. Light from our basement poured in and shone on the face of Harry Styles. I moved away from the door so that only Natalie was showing. 

"Hi. I'm Natalie." She said simply and flicked on the light. I watched from around the corner, inwardly screaming at her. She just gave away her name! So unprofessional... 

Harry looked at her for a moment then shouted, "HELP! I'M BEING HELD CAPTIVE BY A LUNATIC!" 

Natalie scoffed. "I'm not a lunatic! I'm just a devoted One Direction fan that would like it if you quit screaming!"

"Devoted?" He looked at her like she was crazy. "This isn't devotion, it's madness! HELP!"

"Nat! Come here!" I whispered and gestured for her to come towards me. I was still out of Harry's sight, but not Natalie's. 

She rolled her eyes and came over to me. "What? You're interrupting our moment!"

I decided not to tell her that this was not a "moment" and just hissed, "Run to your room, grab me that T-Shirt that matches the one you're wearing. And get me my Converse."

She grinned deviously and continued to speak quiet enough so that our captive wouldn't hear. "Are we doing a double trouble?" Double trouble was a shenanigan we would pull when we were little kids and we would dress up identically and make people think that we were the same person, and no one would ever know there were two of us. It came in seriously useful sometimes. 

"Yes, now hurry up!" 

She ran off and I sat there, waiting on her while Harry loudly tried to get out of his ropes in the other room. My mirror image came back and tossed me the clothes. I dove into the bathroom and put them on, leaving the jeans I was already wearing on. I pulled my hair up into a high pony tail to match my other half and left the bathroom. 

Natalie smirked at me. "You look terrible, Kate."

"We have the same face, genius." I retorted and went into the workout room. 

Harry looked up at me. "Oh, no! Not you again. HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME, PLEASE!"

"Screaming won't do you any good, not out here." I said venomously in a voice that only an experienced kidnapped could master. My sister will never be as good at intimidation as I am. Loser. 

He looked around desperately. "You can't escape either. Don't waste your energy, you'll need it." 

I turned on my heel and shut the door behind me, enveloping our prisoner in darkness. 

"You weren't supposed to scare him!" Natalie growled. 

I rolled my eyes. "This is a kidnapping, Nat, it is no longer just an action of some deranged fangirl!"

We returned upstairs just in time to hear, "This just in: according to security cameras, witnesses, and police investigation, it is determined that the kidnapper of the pop star Harry Styles is Katherine Winstein, 23. Police are going to her house as we speak to retrieve Styles and arrest the girl."

I turned very slowly to face Natalie. "You didn't even take out the security cameras?"

"No," she sighed, "well, at least you're not mad. I figured you'd be furious when they assumed it was you that took him."

"Who said that I wasn't?" I lashed out at her and tackled her to the floor, pinning her underneath me. 

"K- Kate," she choked out from my hold on her neck, "they're coming to the house! We can't fight right now, we have to run!"

I wanted to rip her head off, but I got up and let her stand. Immediately, I grabbed two of the bags hidden behind the portrait that swung open in the living room. The third stayed there, dad's bag. But he was off trying to take this one kid from Wisconsin for some ransom money. He set up these bags with things we would need in case police ever came to get us, so that we could grab them and run. He was going to be so mad at us when he came home...

"Come on, let's go!" I called after her, running towards the back door. 

"What about Harry?" she asked, hoisting her bag onto her shoulder.

"What do you mean?"

"No, that's a Justin Bieber song, not 1D!"

"NATALIE ANNE WINSTEIN!"

"I just meant... you're not going to leave him, are you?" She looked back at the basement door, a sad expression crossing her face. 

I studied her and felt a feeling of annoyance creep over me. I made sure to let her know that via my face. "Well, we can't take him with us!"

Natalie furrowed her brow. "Of course we can!"

"Have you seen his high heeled boots? He can't run in those!" I exclaimed, exasperated. 

With a smile, Natalie reasoned, "Then we'll carry him!"

I squinted at her, trying to decide if she was serious or stupid. "HE'S A FULL GROWN MAN, WE CAN'T CARRY HIM!"

"THEN WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN GOING TO THE GYM FOR?"

"I HAVE BEEN BENCH PRESSING EXACTLY 117 LBS SO THAT I COULD CARRY DANIEL RADCLIFFE, NOT HARRY STYLES!" 

"THIS JUST EMPHASIZES MY POINT FROM EARLIER!" she argued. "AND HE'S 163 LBS, IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DIFFERENCE!"

"YES IT IS!"

"YOU ARGUE VERY LOUDLY!" came Harry's voice from the basement. "AND HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WEIGH?"

"SHUT UP!" We screamed in sync. 

"Please, Kate, please! Can we keep him?" begged my sister. The green eyes that matched my own held longing in them, the same longing she had when I was eight and she wanted my Barbie Dreamhouse. I used to love that thing until she tried to get in it and it broke under her weight. Even though we were eight, I still hold a grudge about that. "We can put him in the car! And I'll take care of him!"

"A prisoner is a lot of responsibility." I informed her. 

She nodded, "I know! I'll feed him and clean up after him! Promise!"

"Fine, but you are responsible for making sure he doesn't escape!"

"Okay! Thank you so much! Gracias! Merci! Danke! Grazie! Arigato! Asante!"

"Asante?"

"It's Swahili."

"How do you know Swa-" I was cut off by a knocking on the front door. "Crap! Nat, go get Harry. Gag him and bring him upstairs, I'll get the other bag!"

Natalie sprinted down the basement steps as I darted back to the living room. I threw aside the picture of the beach and grabbed the third bag, dad's bag, and shut the picture behind me. 

Natalie came up the stairs with an unconscious Harry Styles behind her. I didn't ask how she knocked him out. We opened the backdoor as the police knocked again, pounding the door so hard that it shook the house. We went straight to the garage and into the Lamborghini that dad stole last month. 

My sister threw her obsession into the backseat and crowed, "I call shotgun!"

I scowled and passed her the small pistol. "Here. Now, remember to turn the safety off, and you have to reload it every nine bullets and-

"I know, I know! Just because you've got better aim than me doesn't mean that you need to boss me around!" She complained. 

I looked pointedly at the firearm that my sister and I always fought over. "Well, shotgun is a big responsibility, and I'm not sure that I trust you with-"

Natalie let out and exasperated sigh. "Shut up and drive!" 

"That's a Rihianna song!" I smirked, giving my twin a taste of her own medicine. 

"KATHERINE VICTORIA WINSTEIN!" 

"Fine, Fine, I'm going!" I gunned the ignition and shot down the street. The police were hot on our trail, sirens blaring through the night. The lights flashed behind us in an obnoxious way. I sighed and turned a sharp corner, knocking over some trashcans and scaring away a cat. 

Natalie reached for the radio and started clicking through channels. I faintly caught christian music, some talk shows, a weird k-pop station, and then I heard a heavy metal station. Natalie flipped right past it and stopped when she heard the familiar tune of No Control, a One Direction song that she frequently blasted from her room. It's sound constantly seeped through our not-so-sound-proof walls. 

"How ironic," I muttered under my breath and swerved to avoid some roadkill. "Turn it back to that rock station!"

"No! This is the best song ever." She laughed at her own joke. "Get it? Cause that's a One Direction song and-"

"Yes, I get it and the joke's not funny if you have to explain it." I snapped. "Turn it back to the rock station!"

"No! I want to listen to 1D!" she argued. 

I gave her a smug look. "Dad always says that the driver gets top pick!"

She glanced around the car sarcastically. "I don't see dad here, do you?" and left the radio on No Control. 

I pursed my lips and reached over to flip the radio back to the rock station. The bass dropped and it sounded amazing in the priceless sound system of the Lamborghini. Natalie looked at me, narrowing her eyes. She turned it back to No Control just as the song ended and Stockholm Syndrome came on. Once again, so very ironic. 

My hand shot from the steering wheel with satin padding on it to move the sleek dial back to Station 36. Natalie let the song play for a moment before lunging towards the dashboard and switching to Station 37. When will the irony stop?

I switched it yet again as the guitar solo began. Natalie reached for the dial but I swatted her hand away. "It's the guitar solo, Nat, you can't change the channel."

"But Kate, Liam's solo is coming up! I can't miss that!" Natalie grabbed the knob and brought it back to Station 37. Honestly, if I heard one more thing about One Direction, I was going to stab my sister, our captive, and all his band members. 

"Natalie," I explained as if she were a toddler and flipped the station again, "don't be unreasonable. I get my pick of music because I'm older."

"BY TWO MINUTES!"

"So?"

"Two minutes does not give you the right to boss me around like you're- SQUIRREL!" 

I jerked the car to the right just in time to avoid the squirrel in the road. Natalie looked behind us. "Never mind, the police ran it over anyway. You would think a law enforcer would be more careful!"

Natalie turned on Station 37 and Ready to Run came on. Good god, this radio seemed to be the king of irony. 

"Change it back!" I ordered my younger sister. Sure, it was two minutes, but that was two minutes of experience I had that she lacked. 

"NO!"

The car jumped as we went over a bump. "What kind of person listens to One Direction in the middle of a car chase? Rock music is so much more appropriate!" I hastily changed it and put my hands back on the wheel to keep driving. 

My redheaded sister changed the channel again. I hit her. She hit me. We hit each other, and soon it was a full blown fight over the radio that included punches, swears, hitting, insults, hair pulling, and sassy comebacks. The car whipped from side to side until I finally surrendered and let her play One Direction music. I launched the car off of a small ramp, but the dramatic effect was lost when the only lyrics that went with it were, "Baby you light up my world like nobody else,"

No matter what, I just couldn't shake the policemen and security that were behind us. "Alright, Natalie. You called shotgun, prepare to use it!"

Natalie grinned and unrolled her window. She checked to make sure the gun was ready, and clicked off the safety. 

"Well it's about time you remembered something!" I grumbled to myself. 

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

"I am so telling dad on you when he gets home!"

"Oh, yeah, he'll be so mad at me that I was mean to you, he won't care that you blew our cover at all!"

She looked at me angrily, but she leaned her head out the window and fired the gun. It completely missed all the cars behind us and hit a tree. 

"Are you using the scope that dad put on there?" I called to her. 

"The what?" That answers my question. 

I searched for a simple way to put it. "That thing you look through!" 

"No," she called back. 

"Well use it!"

"I am now!"

My sister is so dumb. She kept shooting at the cars but ducked back in the car to reload. She fumbled with it but eventually completed the task and leaned out the window again, firing at them.

"I HIT ONE GUY'S TIRE!" She cheered.

"Nice," I encouraged, "keep shooting! Ten points if you can hit someone's license plate!"

After a moment she shot and exclaimed, "I did it! I hit one car's license plate! Ten points to Gryffindor!"

"I thought I was the Harry Potter geek?" I laughed. 

She scoffed and said in a dramatic tone, "I never said I was a geek, dear sister!"

"I'm dear to you? Also, you would never be a Gryffindor. You're totally a Hufflepuff." I corrected her in a posh voice. 

"Right," she replied, "I'm going to pretend to know what that is." 

"It's a house. Everyone is sorted into one of four houses, like I'm a Ravenclaw. It's either Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin. Gryffindors are the brave, Hufflepuffs are really nice, Ravenclaws are the smart ones, and-"

"You do know I'm not actually listening, right? And smart ones? You definitely don't belong in that house." mocked Natalie. 

"Oh, so you were listening?"

"Shut up!" A moment later there was a loud sound of glass shattering. 

I glanced behind us. "What was that?"

"That was the sound of your sister being ama-zayn and smashing our pursuer's windshield." Natalie gloated. "Well, one of our pursuers." 

"Amazing? That's debatable." I swung the car around another turn and terrified some local pedestrians as they walked their dog. 

We drove and drove through back roads and out of town until we finally lost the police that were following us. 

Natalie finally relaxed in her seat. "Punch buggy." She hit my arm a bit too hard for my liking, jerking the car to the left.

"Ow!" I protested. "Why don't you go help your little boy toy. He fell of the seat during the car chase, and is sprawled on the floor."

Natalie crawled into the backseat and dragged Harry Styles back onto the genuine leather seats. She climbed back over the armrests and kicked me in the gut on the way back to her seat. "Ow again!" 

"Yeah, yeah, you'll get over it." She slumped down and put her feet up on the dashboard.

"Hey," I scolded, "feet off the dashboard, and buckle up!"

Natalie gave me a "really?" look and said, "We just got out of a car chase, and you're worried about me buckling up?"

She made a good point. 

"Fine, whatever." I rolled my eyes, "So is our traveling companion going to wake up eventually, or did you kill him?"

"He should have been awake by now..." Natalie glanced back at him just as he gasped and sat up. 

He looked around and struggled against the ropes tied around his hands, feet, and torso. He tried to yell through the duck tape over his mouth, but it was useless. Natalie reached back and ripped it off. 

"Oi! That hurt! Wait..." He glanced at Natalie, and then at me. "There's two of you?"

"Yeah. We just got out of a car chase, which is why there's some bullet holes in the back window." Natalie told him. "You have pretty eyes..." 

"Shut up, Nat. He's a prisoner, not your boyfriend." I lectured her. 

Harry gave her a smile. "No, it's alright. What's your name, love?"

"Natalie..." she said dreamily. Somehow she reminded me of Luna Lovegood. Then I scolded myself for making Harry Potter references in the middle of a kidnapping. 

"Ah, yes, you told me that earlier. And what's your name?" He asked me. 

I rolled my eyes for the hundredth time that day. "Like I'd tell you! My sister may be an idiot, but I'm not."

Harry looked at me quizzically. "You don't like me, do you?"

"No, I really don't." I said, voice dripping with dislike. 

"But you're wearing a One Direction T-Shirt."

"Yeah," I snarled, "only so that I would look exactly like my sister. Now shut up and keep quiet, we have weapons."

Natalie turned back to Harry. "Her name's K-" I hit her arm as hard as I could. "Ow! What was that for!"

"He's using his charm, the fact that you're unhealthily obsessed with him, and your emotional instability to figure out your name! And mine!" How could she not see that? It was so simple! She will never be a kidnapper, never. 

"Kate. Her name is Kate." Natalie informed him. I hit her again, twice as hard. "OW!" 

We drove for what felt like eons until Natalie said, "Hey, let's turn on the radio!" 

"Great idea! Maybe now we can argue over which station to choose and nearly wreck the car again! You're brilliant, Nat, truly brilliant." I stopped the car so that I could give her slow, sarcastic claps. 

Harry lunged for the door but I turned on the child safety lock. Who knew Lamborghini's had those? No one said anything to Harry, we just ignored him and went back to our squabble. 

"Whatever, Kate. I'm turning on the radio, and you can't stop me." She said smugly. 

I scoffed. "I could stop you. I just am not going to, because we are sitting with our car parked in the middle of no where and I need to get us moving again." I pressed the gas pedal down and kept driving. 

"Sure you could." My sister said in a tone that clearly showed she didn't believe me. 

I decided that I would be the bigger person and not argue with her. I let her know that and didn't stop her as she turned on the radio. The song Steal my Girl came on and I just about lost it. 

Natalie began belting the lyrics at the top of her lungs while I kept a look on my face that clearly said, "I hate my life, and my sister, and the world, and everything," while I kept driving. I couldn't even imagine how Harry felt, sitting there, still tied up while one of his songs was playing on the radio and his kidnapper (or one of them) was screeching (oops, I mean singing) the words. 

I didn't have to ponder it long, though, because suddenly Harry joined in. "EVERYBODY WANT TO STEAL MY GIRL, EVERYBODY WANT TO TAKE HER HEART AWAY! COUPLE BILLION IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, FIND ANOTHER ONE CAUSE SHE BELONGS TO ME!" 

My ears nearly fell off as Harry Styles and my twin sister "sang". Well, Harry was singing, Natalie was... being herself. 

"SHUT UP!" I screamed at them, but Natalie just laughed as I slumped down in my seat painfully and kept driving. 

After roughly eight more songs, including Sign of the Times, Kiss You, and a few I didn't recognize, I finally was off my rocker with anger. Wordlessly, I grabbed the tranquilizer gun at my feet and shot Harry Styles. My sister's eyes widened just before I shot her, too. 

Sweet silence at last!


	2. Mom's Match

"But he's just so... so... so UGH!" I complained and rolled off the bed. 

Jayla, my best friend, rolled her eyes. "Get a grip, Jasmine!"

"But I just can't! He's literately my dream guy. He fills all my descriptions. How is that even possible? Those kinds of people don't exist!" I groaned. 

"So tell him you like him." Jayla reasoned and continued to scroll through her Instagram feed. 

"But I just can't!"

"So send him a letter."

"I can't, Jayla!"

"Text him!"

"I can't!"

She glared at me. "There's a lot of things you can't do. Girl, you have bigger problems than some boy right now!"

"He's not some boy," I defended, "he's flipping Elijah Lewis!"

"You're missing the point, Jasmine. Don't you think that with you should be more focus on your mom right now?"

I furrowed my brow. "Why would I be focused on her?

Jayla rolled her eyes again. "She's finally getting serious with someone after the divorce again. That's big. Aren't you worried about her? Or about her boyfriend?"

"No," I shook my head, "not really, I trust her judgment."

"What if her new boyfriend turns out to be a total buzzkill after they get married and doesn't let the rest of the group hang out here? We all know that everyone meets at your house." Jayla stated, and she was right. Every time we get together for basketball or pizza or whatever, the group always meets at my place. 

I frowned. "You really think he'll be that terrible?"

"He might be!"

"Well," I suggested, "he's coming over for dinner tonight for, like, the hundredth time. Mom's actually treating it like something special. I'll text you during dinner, and tell you if anything gets crazy, okay?"

Jayla gave me a disapproving look. "Fine, whatever,"

~+~

"JASMINE, HURRY UP!"

I ran a brush through my black hair once more and touched up the make up on my dark skin. Gold around my eyes and a dull red on my lips. I looked fabulous, and I knew it. 

"JASMINE!"

"I'M COMING!" I screamed back. Straightening out one more wrinkle in my dress, I ran down the stairs of our house. "What's for dinner?"

"Homemade lasagna." My mother answered and immediately went to fiddle with my appearance. "Now, Tom is going to be here any minute now. When he shows up, you need to be on your best behavior."

"I'm not two, mom, I know." I grouched. "And it's not like this is the first time he's coming over. Why are you acting weird about it?"

She ignored me and turned to my little brother. "Jack, I expect the best out of you as well."He didn't protest when mom licked her thumb and started rubbing away some dirt on his nose. "Alright. Now remember, you two, I really like Tom. I think that we may actually have a future together, and I really don't want this dinner to ruin anything."

"A future?" Now I was beginning to get concerned. I really didn't like the sound of that. 

Mom nodded. "Tom and I have been dating for three years now, Jasmine. You have to expect things to change eventually. Now, when he gets here-"

The doorbell rang and interrupted my mother. She hastily wiped off the last of the dirt on Jack's nose and ran to the door. She smoothed her hair rapidly; she reminded me of a flustered chicken pruning it's feathers. She opened the door and smiled at Tom, welcoming him inside. Tom set his coat on the coat rack and followed her into the kitchen. 

Jack looked up at me, his big brown eyes shining with worry. "Jazzy, what do you think mom meant by 'a future'?" My heart melted the moment he used that nickname. He hadn't used it since we were very small. 

How was I supposed to answer his question? With the truth? Or should I lie so he wouldn't be worried? Maybe I should just tell him I don't know, but then what if he still worries? Oh, the pains of being a big sister. 

"Uh, I don't know, Jack. It's probably nothing, I'd just ignore it if I were you." I reassured him, patting him on the back and then leading him into the kitchen after my mother and her boyfriend. 

Mom looked up from her place at the dinner table. "Well it's about time you two make an appearance."

Tom laughed, "It's good to see you, Jasmine. You too, Jack, gimme a high five!" Jack slapped his hand as hard as he could- which was not very hard considering how young he was. "Oh, I think you broke my hand!" Jack nearly fell over laughing. 

I slipped into my seat and started texting Jayla under the table. 

 

Jayla :)  
7:03 pm

Me: Dinner just started

Jayla: What's happened so far? 

Me: Nothing much. Tom showed up and now we're just eating

Jayla: Oooooo  
Jayla: What's on the menu? 

Me: Lasagna 

Jayla: Lucky! I love your mom's lasagna. It's like spaghetti cake... 

Me: ...  
Me: Whatever, Jayla, you do you 

 

I sighed and turned off my phone, expecting a reply soon. 

"Anything wrong, Jasmine?" asked Tom. 

I looked up from my spaghetti cake. "What? No, I'm fine."

Quickly, I shoveled some more food into my mouth. Tom didn't ask any more questions. Just as I was extracting a hair from my mouth, my phone vibrated. Finally, Jayla! She took her sweet time...

 

Jayla :)  
7:07 pm

Jayla: I will ;)  
Jayla: What's happening now?

Me: Nothing. Tom and mom are making goo goo eyes at each other :P

Jayla: Don't act so upset about "goo go eyes"   
Jayla: You look at Elijah that way ALL THE TIME

Me: I do not!

Jayla: Suuuuuure. 

Me: Well that's different. He's ELIJAH LEWIS. Every girl does it...

 

I angrily reached to grab a drink of water. I chugged it down and took a bite of mashed potatoes... my favorite. What dinner could be better? Mashed potatoes, lasagna, and mom probably has a desert in the fridge. 

"So, Jamsine, how was your day?" my mother asked kindly. 

"Fine," I brushed off the question, "I mean... I didn't have any tests."

"Are tests hard?" Jack, who had never been to school, not even preschool or daycare, inquired. 

I rolled my eyes. "You have no idea."

The table fell into comfortable silence once more. A vibration on my thigh signaled that Jayla had texted back. 

 

Jayla: I suppose  
Jayla: Anything new happening?

Me: Still no, I'll let you know when something does 

Jayla: Fine, fine....   
Jayla: Hey, did we have geography homework?

Me: CRAP! WE DID!

Jayla: OH NO I LEFT MY FOLDER AT SCHOOL

Me: WE'RE DOOMED

 

"Jasmine? Jasmine? JASMINE!"

I blinked and looked up at mom. "Wha...?"

She gestured to Tom who was clearing his throat. "Alright, kids. I just wanted you to know that your mother and I have been together for quite some time, and I think that there is something between us that could really go somewhere."

My eyes widened. Something was finally happening!

 

Jayla :)  
7:11

Me: JAYLA

Jayla: WHAT????

Me: SOMETHINGS HAPPENING

Jayla: What's happening?!

Me: I DON'T KNOW  
Me: TOM IS TALKING ABOUT HOW HE AND MOM HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME  
Me: NOW HE'S TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH HE LOVES HER  
Me: WHAT DO I DO???????

Jayla: Stay calm, listen, and text me

 

"And I love her so much. She's the light of my life, and I can't live without her. So, without further adieu..." Tom continued, but stood up from his chair. Carefully, he got down on one knee and took my mom's hand. 

 

Jayla :)  
7:13 pm

Me: IOJENEIJWHFTUJIGYU

Jayla: WHAT

Me: HE'S GETTING DOWN ONE ONE KNEE

Jayla: NO WAY

Me: YES WAY  
Me: AND MOM IS CRYING

Jayla: HE's PROPOSING!?!?!?!?!?!?

Me: YES  
Me: Should I be excited or mad or sad or scared????

Jayla: Excited of course!

Me: Okay! YAY!

Jayla: OH MY GOD THIS IS GREAT

Me: IT'S SO CUTE  
Me: HE'S BLUSHING AND TRYING TO FIND WHAT TO SAY

Jayla: AWWWWWWWWWWW  
Jayla: Girl quit texting ME! Go enjoy the moment or whatever! 

Me: Okay thanks Jayla!

Jayla: Anytime ;)

 

I was watching in astonishment as Tom continued to speak from the heart. 

"And you amaze me every day of my life, Tina. I love you so much. So you would you do me the honor of becoming my beautiful bride?" Tom produced a diamond ring from his pocket and held it out to her. 

She wiped away some tears and beamed. "YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES, YES, YES!"

The two came together in a kiss but melted into a hug. Tom picked up my mom and twirled her around. Laughing, they embraced again. Jack and I ran to hug them, too. 

When the moment was over, we all separated and went to get the desert. As we sat down with cake, Tom spoke. "Kids, your mother has met my son many times, but I realized yesterday that you have never met him, have you?"

I blinked. "Your son?"

"Yes. I thought that he should definitely come over soon so that you all could meet him, considering he's your new brother. You should start bonding straight away. So, if you don't mind, Tina, could he come over for cake with us?" 

My mother smiled, "Of course! He can drive himself over, right?" 

"Yes," Tom confirmed, "he's Jasmine's age, 16, and a great driver. I'll text him now, he'll be over in around five minutes."

Five minutes of joy passed rather quickly, full of the engaged couple feeding, holding hands, and a lot of laughter. The door bell rang, and Jack hurried to go let in our new sibling. I heard some voices and some shuffling in the foyer, until Tom's son came in. I looked up after shoveling some more cake into my mouth and met the eyes of Elijah Lewis. 

Wait.. if he was my new step-brother, I could never be romantically involved with him... 

Oh crap!

 

Jayla :)  
7: 24 pm

Me: Jayla I think I need you again


	3. The Hottest Girl

It was hot, steamy, passionate.

Tiffany, oh how I longed for this. I had wanted this for so long, for years. For years I had watched her, daydreamed about her, wished I could pin her against a wall and kiss her. And now I was.

We were in her bedroom at her house, the lights were dim, rose petals dotted the floor, the jasmine scent of her chocolate hair filled my nose. Oh, how I wanted her.

She broke apart from our kissing, leaving my lips cold, away from hers. "Wait." She murmured into my ear. She crossed the room, hips swaying, until she reached her speaker. She plugged her phone in and did something on it. I came up behind her, hugging her waist from behind, watching what she was doing. She went to a playlist called, "Music for a Lucky Night ;)" I gulped. She scrolled through the music, each song title exciting me more and more. The song titles were so steamy, I couldn't describe it. Then she reached a good one, the best I had seen so far. And she hit play.

She turned back to me, eyes dark. Dang, that was hot. Then the voice of a young Selena Gomez rang out, "watch all the flowers dance with the wind listen to snowflakes whisper your name, feel all the wonder lifting your dreams, you can fly! Fly to who you are, climb upon you star, if you believe, you'll find your wings, fly to your heart!"

Oh yeah. It was the Tinkerbell Theme Song. That girl really knew how to pick them!

I crashed my lips into hers, I could feel her cold metal headgear pressing against my face, and when I ran my hands through her hair, oh, I could feel all the grease. It was amazing.

Then she got unpredictable. She pulled out an item that made my eyes go wide. Oh, that girl was wild. It was a sock. A flipping sock! She took it and put it on her long nose, making her look like she was an elephant, a sock elephant. I couldn't help it. I take full responsibility for what happened next. I took her math book and stood on it so I could be eye level with her... And put two socks on my head, making it look as if I was also an elephant with big ears. She moaned, and trembled, falling into my arms, unconscious. I was too much for her, she couldn't handle my elephant. I felt slightly bad, knowing how hot it was to behold my sock creation, maybe it was cruel to let her so aroused, but I couldn't handle her sock, either. I placed her on the bed in all her clothed glory and left her there, leaving my socks resting on her shins. She would feel so good when she woke up and saw my socks on her shins. And with that final act, I turned and left. Who was next to behold my socks?


	4. A Love Blossoms

Inspired by a true story

 

Lucy looked at the house and smiled devilishly. She and her friends decided to silly string a house in broad daylight, just for kicks. Lucy was pretty sure that the cops would totally show up soon, but she didn't care. 

The fourteen teens charged with a roaring battle cry began to spray the house. Red, yellow, blue, and pink string dangled from the sides. Lucy realized she was out of red string and tossed the can away. She fished around in her bag until she found another can. She laughed and added green string to the mix. 

A squat man with a baseball bat ran out of the front door, swearing in Italian at the top of his lungs. His hairy chest was clearly viable beneath the white T-Shirt, and with horror Lucy realized he had no pants, his lower half was completely bare. It was a horrendous sight, to say the least. 

He swung the bat at the teen nearest to him, Jake. Jake laughed and jumped out of the way, spraying a mess of orange silly string over the partially nude man. 

"Try to cover up his lower half with string!" Lucy called, "It's horrific to look at!"

Jake whooped and tossed aside the orange can, quickly retrieving a can of yellow from his bag and spraying it over the man.

Lucy looked up at the doorway to see an old looking woman on the phone. At this point, the kids had surrounded the man in a big circle, all of them spraying string at him while he swung his bat wildly. Whenever he got close to a kid, the teens would scatter but quickly form a circle again. Lucy tossed aside yet another can and found a purple can in her bag. She aimed for his area and shot, quickly covering it so that she would no longer have to look at it. Another girl, Tanya, started covering his butt with her white silly string, while Maya and Gabby started working on his legs. Jackson, Jake and Matthew worked on his chest. Emma, Brennan, Max, and Tommy covered his back in no time, and Lisa, Dalton, and Zach covered his neck and head. The man looked like a rainbow threw up on him as he blindly stumbled around with his bat. The old woman ran out to help him back inside as the 14 teens kept covering the house with silly string. 

Lucy saw Emma and Maya shove the old woman into the inflatable pool in the yard, and Max and Tommy shoved the man in with her. Everyone laughed as the wet and still silly string covered man tried to get out , but couldn't see, so he tumbled over the side and into the grass. The woman shivered in the breeze and tried to get her husband back inside, but Dalton and Zach dragged the man and threw him back in the pool. The teens circled the woman and began silly stringing her, just like her husband. Once she was completely covered and tried to stumble away, Brennan and Matthew tossed her in the pool. She hit her husband and knocked him back over, and they tried to find a way out. 

"Look at 'em struggle!" laughed Jake.

"Yeah," agreed Tanya, "it's hilarious!"

The two slipped again and toppled back into the water. Finally, they were able to make it out, and they started to crawl towards the house. The teens had surrounded the couple again, laughing and pushing them down whenever they could. 

The woman finally succeeded in wiping the silly string out of her eyes. She looked around and her eyes quickly found Lucy's. Lucy hadn't pushed her down, she was beginning to feel like it was going to far. The woman saw the sad look on Lucy's face and said to her, "Make them go away, you bitch, they're your friends!"

Lucy gasped, "How dare you call me that?"

The other teens stopped laughing and glared at her. Their group had a tight relationship, and no one insulted a member of their friend circle. 

"Hey, leave Lucy out of this!" Tanya snapped.

"Leave her out?" Laughed the woman, bitterly. "She's just as involved in it as you are. And who are you to speak to me like that, you ugly little shit? Do you even know who I am?"

"Yeah, we know who you are." Jake growled, "You're the woman who gave Emma the middle finger yesterday because she bumped into you at the grocery store, even though she said sorry."

"Don't talk to my wife, you filthy little boy!" raged the man, who now seemed calm enough to speak in English.

"And you are the man who punched Dalton yesterday when he told your wife that what she did was rude!" Zach glared at the man. 

"Not to mention how you said Lisa was a fat ugly pig when she ate the last cookie at the town's party last night. Honestly, are you a little kid or something? I mean, talk about immature. So screw you!" Tommy tossed his long hair back. It had taken him all summer to grow it out. 

"Well you're the one that's screwed," laughed the man, "because the cops are almost here."

He wasn't wrong. Everyone could now hear the sirens, just as the cars rounded the corner.

"Shit, run you guys!" yelled Matthew, and everyone began to scatter in different directions. 

Lucy noticed an attractive young man getting on his motorcycle nearby. She didn't care much about his looks, though. The motorcycle was much more important to her. She ran and hopped on the back of the stranger's motorcycle. 

"What the-" He was startled, to say the least. A really pretty girl had just jumped on the back of his motorcycle. 

"DRIVE, YOU IDIOT, DRIVE!" she screamed. 

The young man was going to ask questions, but when she latched her arms around his torso, he lost all train of thought. Against his better judgment, he gunned the engine and shot off into the distance, a single police officer shouting after him. He wove through the city in complicated patterns to lose anyone that may be following him before slowing down and stopping at a lovely nearby park. 

"Thanks!" chirped Lucy, who jumped off of his motorcycle and started walking away. 

He blinked. "Wait!" He switched the ignition off and started running after her. "Hey, you jumped on my motorcycle without explanation to run from the cops, called me an idiot, and I still helped you get away. You owe me some answers."

Lucy sighed. "Alright. Let's at least sit down."

The young man agreed, and they sat down on a park bench by the river's edge. "What's your name?" He asked. 

"Lucy." She answered shortly, clearly annoyed. "And you?"

"Mark. Why were you running from the cops?" Mark leaned against the back of the bench. 

"My friends and I sprayed silly string all over someone's house."

"Why?"

"Because the people that lived there were really mean to some of the people in our friend group."

"Friends... but that one boy with the long dark hair, he was probably more than that, right?" Mark subtly said in hopes to find out if Lucy was single.

"No, I'm single." Lucy told him, and inwardly cringed at the thought of dating Tommy. "Any more questions?"

"Yes." Mark said simply. 

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Well, spit it out. What else do you want to ask?"

"Will you go out with me?"

Lucy froze. She didn't expect Mark, whom she had actually found amusing (though she tried to hide it) to ask her out. "Yeah, sure."

Mark grinned a boyish grin. "Great! I'll pick you up on Friday at 8, okay?"

Lucy smiled a bit. "Yeah, that sounds great. Where are we going?"

"That's a surprise!" Mark teased. 

Lucy wrinkled her brow. "But then how will I know what to wear? You have to tell me!"

"Just dress comfortably."

"Alright. I'll see you Friday!" Lucy finally smiled a big smile, which Mark returned. 

"Wait," said Mark, "don't you need a ride home?"

Lucy mentally face palmed. Mark had driven her here, of course she needed a ride home. "Yeah, I almost forgot!"

"Great," Mark exclaimed, getting up to head towards the motorcycle, "then I'll know where I need to pick up up from."

"Okay. Let's go!" Lucy laughed, and the two headed back to the motorcycle. 

60 Years Later

Lucy sat on the porch swing, talking to her granddaughter. 

"Grandma, how did you and Grandpa meet?" asked Rose, her granddaughter. 

Lucy laughed. "Its a funny story, actually."

"What is it?"

"Your grandmother was running from the cops. She jumped on the back of my motorcycle and shouted, 'DRIVE, YOU IDIOT, DRIVE!' " said Mark, who had just come out to the porch and was leaning against the doorway. 

"Really? You got in trouble with the law?" Rose asked, astonished. 

"You bet," Lucy smiled, "I was a bit of a rebel. Anyway, we ended up talking in Warner Park, then he took be on a picnic there for our first date."

"Maybe I'll meet my future husband like that!" Rose looked off into the distance, smiling. 

"If you do," Mark came over and ruffled her hair, "he's a keeper. I know your grandma sure was."

The small family giggled and sat together as the sun descended over the country house. 

Ten Years Later

The boy sprinted through the grass and threw open the passenger's door to a stranger's car. The girl in the driver's seat gasped and looked around frantically. 

"DRIVE, YOU IDIOT, DRIVE!" he yelled. 

Rose didn't ask questions, she just slammed the gas, thinking that she just found the love of her life.


	5. The Great Cheezit Incident

I walked to the cafeteria, smile plastered on my face. Maria walked beside me, a spring in her step. We reached the door where Mrs. Gibbons was handing out papers to all the students. We passed, just as hand her shoved paper in my face, glaring at me. Okay then. Guess I kind of deserved that. I looked at the paper and read it aloud with Maria.

" 'Due to the incident that followed April 1, Cheezits are no longer permitted in the cafeteria. Thank you for your cooperation!' " I read, then laughed, hard. "Can you believe it?"

"Yes, I can. That was something you pulled! I'm surprised it took three days, I figured it'd be immediate!" She laughed.

My mind flashed back to the the first of April. I was finally going to prank my bully of two years, Teresa Sanders. I had whipped up quiet a concoction on my lunch tray, a mix of mashed Cheezits and water, but not too much water, so that they had the consistency of mashed potatoes. And I put a good clump on my spoon, pulled back, and let go. And it flew through the air, sailing and ending on my target's face. And she immediately looked at me. And took it off her face with her spoon, aimed and shot. I dodged and it hit Jake Thomas, the thug. He was furious, looked around, spotted my tray with all the mixture on it, and threw the clump at me. It landed in my eye. And I may have lost control, took sodm clumps in my hands, and began chucking clumps at each of Teresa's friends. I dodged again and they hit a bunch of nerds and jocks, who joined the fight. Maria had gotten up now and then threw more from my tray at everyone she saw. Soon my Cheezit mixture was everywhere. The teachers tried to stop to stop it but ended up with Cheezit mix in their eyes.

And that is how I got Cheezits banned from my school. And smelled like cheesy crackers the rest of the week.


	6. Time Travelers and Exams

See, most people get abducted by other humans (if at all). In books it's always aliens. In horror movies, it's the crazy exboyfriend. For me, though, it's random time travelers.

I kicked and screamed at a boy threw me in the machine. "Hey, lay, girl, lay!"

"You mingot! No one said 'lay' in this time period. She thinks we're goatins!" A girl snapped. What the...? Time period? Goatins? Mingot? Lay?

"Well, Lexii, no one said goatins, mingot either, so you sound just as goatins!" The boy said.

"Whatever, Max, whatever." Lexii replied.

They shut a door and I was covered in darkness. Then there was a whirring and a flash of blue and white light. Then next thing I knew, the door was open and the two oddly dressed people dragged me out.

Yes, oddly dressed. The girl was clad in a baby blue tank top and white shorts. He hair was in this weird style I can't even describe, and her shoes were thin and white. She had a baby blue... shawl? I don't even know what she was wearing.

The boy was more normal. He had a white shirt with a symbol that looked like a sideways S. His shots were pale yellow with the same symbol on the pockets. S for his socks, they were tall and white, once again with that S on them. His shoes had it, too but they were pale yellow. Was this S thing like the underarmour or Nike symbol?

"Welcome to a million years in the future!" The girl sarcastically announced. My eyes darted around. This is not the back alley behind my school. It was bright, and pastel and white colors, with high tech machinery that flew, spun and jumped over each other. All of the machines were white and had blue lights.

The two grabbed me again and loaded me into a truck. A car that flew. It levitated above the ground about a foot high.

The two threw the machine in the back of the truck. Then they climbed into the front on either side of me. The boy took this white thing that was over my mouth and took off these silver chains on my wrists.

"Okay, look," the girl began, "we aren't here to hurt you. It's just that we have a huge exam tomorrow on the 21st century and we seriously need to study!"

I blinked. "Huh?"

She rolled her eyes. "You don't understand half of what's going on. That's okay, we just need you to tell us about the selfie and how it impacted the Social Media Revolution, the science tweeting, and why people created what is know as... memes."

"You want my help to study for your exam? You have an exam on selfies, tweeting, and memes?" I just kind of sat there, confused.

"Heeuh, and on twerking (we have to name all the steps). Also the iPhone 6, but there's plenty of that on our Ultrascans." Max told me.

"What? What does heeuh mean? And what's an Ultrascan?" I asked, baffled.

"Oh, right!" Max realized, "she doesn't understand our slang. Oh well. Don't worry about it, no one uses it for another million years. So, tell me, what is the significance of snape-chat?"

"Snape? Like the professor?" I squealed.

"You mingot," Lexii said to Max, "its Snapchat. Wait, you've read Harry Potter?"

"Harry Potter exists a million years from now?"

"Never mind that, what's the significance of Snapchat?" Lexii got out her paper. She scrawled her name at the top and I got a glance at it.

"Your name is spelled L-E-X-I-I?"

"Focus, you little mingot, what's the significance of Snapchat?" Lexii snapped.

"Um, it's a social media... and you send pictures to friends. And keep streaks, and you have filters-"

"Ah, filters!" Max exclaimed, "I forgot to ask Mr. Blog about those. The dog filter... that was a big deal, right?"

Is this actually happening to me?

"Yeah, I guess."

"Mhmm..." Lexii hummed, "and your current president is?"

"Trump..."

"And what are his contributions to the United States?" She asked and looked up at me expectantly.

"I don't know."

"But he's your president."

"Exactly."

Max interrupted Lexi. "Never mind that, how did the selfie impact the Social Media Revolution?"

"The what?"

"That hasn't happened for another few years, she has no idea what the selfie is doing. Not until it's too late." Lexii shook her head sadly.

"WHAT?!"

"Explain the science of tweeting." Max commanded.

"Wait, hold up," I stammered, "what's the selfie doing?"

"We've moved on from that, we're on tweeting!" Max groaned.

"No!" I cried, "what? What's so bad about self-"

"TWEETING!"

"I- fine. You just type a few sentences and add some hashtags and tweet it, okay? Selfies, that's more important right now!" I yelled.

"Hashtags! I almost forgot! What is a hashtag?" Lexii asked.

"Even I don't know at this point." I answered curtly.

"Twerking... what are the steps to twerk? Also, what's a twerk?" Lexii inquired.

"We learn about that three weeks ago, Lexii." Max rolled his eyes, "it's the movement of the hips in a rhythmic pattern, typically paired with music. It's considered an aspect of dance."

"You know the textbook definition?" Lexii asked Max, amazed.

He nodded. "I did a lot of research on it."

"Why?" Lexii wondered.

Max shrugged. "Why isn't important. What is important is the creation of the meme. Why was the meme created?"

"For entertainment value, I suppose." I informed him.

The two jotted down some more of their seemingly endless notes. Lexii spoke up. "Describe the effect that Miley Cyrus had on the music industry."

"Miley Cyrus? A million years from now, and you still know who she is?" I asked, thoroughly surprised.

"No, goatin, that's why we're asking you!" Max glared at me.

"Don't call her a goatin, it just confuses her more. Remember, their culture is different." Lexii lectured him.

"Right, sorry. What impact did Miley Cyrus have on the music industry?" Max asked, nicely.

"One that I'd rather not describe." I told him. He seemed satisfied with my answer and wrote in his notebook.

Lexii put her paper down. "Is there anything else we needed info on?"

Max shook his head.

"Alright, then," declared Lexii, "time to head back in time."

The two jumped out of the flying truck that had remained motionless, 50 in the air. At first I nearly screamed because they exited the car, but their shoes lit up and they walked through the air as if it was nothing. They pulled out the machine and flicked a switch. It promptly started to levitate, and they looked at some gadgets before jumping into the truck again. They started driving to the ground.

"Wait!" I called, "the machine! You left it!"

"It'll follow us." Lexii said as if it was no big deal.

She was right. The machine came down to the ground next to us. The two jumped out of the truck and dragged me out and put me in the machine. They swung in behind me and shut the door. It was dark but the machine rattled and flashed and then they opened the door. Sunlight poured in as Max helped me out.

They messed with some gadgets once I was out and they were about to get in, before I said, "Bye... I guess?"

"The memory spray!" Max exclaimed. He grabbed a spray bottle and came up to me. I tried to back away, but I bumped into Lexii, who held me still. Max spritzed the liquid at me. It wafted in the air but blew away when a breeze came. Max didn't notice.

"Alright, you're about to get tired and fall asleep. It's normal, don't resist it." Lexii told me.

If I didn't fall asleep, they'd know they didn't spray me right and do it again, correctly, so I faked passing out. Lexii and Max caught me before I hit the ground and they lowered me carefully.

I heard them move away and the door to the machine shut. Then it was very loud, like the sky was ripping. But suddenly it was silent. I finally dared to open my eyes. They were gone.

And that's how I got kidnapped.

Also, stop using selfies. I have a feeling it's all going to go wrong...


	7. It's Written In Blood...

Warning: One minor swear is included in this short story. I am sorry about this, but if you would like, you may leave. Thank you!

Inspire by a Tumblr post

I awoke on a typical Monday morning, pain, exhaustion, and all. Begrudgingly, I trudged into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I stepped in and washed so slowly that I was certain I would have to just grab some food on the way to work that morning, as there was no way I had enough time to sit down and eat. When I was finished, I was so tired that I was able to get dressed before I noticed that there was something red on the mirror. 

"That's odd," I mused and stood in front of it. 

In a running red liquid, the words, "You need to get your coupon for a free McFlurry from the kitchen table..." What the... I stepped forward and swiped my finger through the substance and sniffed it. Horrified, I wiped my pointer finger on a towel. The message was written in blood. 

I sprinted out of my bathroom and down the stairwell, grabbing my purse and coupon. In seconds, the car was out of the driveway and down the block. I grabbed a Rolo McFlurry and pancakes from the McDonalds drive through and drove off as fast as possible, expecting police to be on my tail at any moment. 

Hurriedly, I shoved my keys into my purse and went to my desk, beginning to type a report that my boss needed that afternoon. Speak of the devil, Mr. Barnes came by my desk and gave me a once over. "Linda May, is there a reason your hair is wet and unbrushed or you have McDonalds all over your desk?"

"I was running late, sir. I will make sure I have that report to you by two o'clock, though!" I reassured him, desperately hoping he would buy it.

He glared at me. "Make it by noon."

"Noon? Sir, I couldn't possibly-"

"Noon, Linda May. I need that report by noon." And he strode off, knocking some files from a lady's hands as they walked past each other. What a jerk. 

It was a close call, but I was able to finish the report by noon and began working on my monthly self-analysis that was due tomorrow. By the time I could clock out, I was only half done. 

"Ah well, I suppose I can work on it at home." I muttered under my breath, collecting my things and tossing out my finished McFlurry. The drive home was a dull one, mostly full of thoughts about dates and scheduling. 

When I did arrive home and went to the bathroom, I finally remembered what had happened that morning. I decided to use the half-bath downstairs to avoid any collision with whoever wrote on the mirror that morning. After doing my business, I snuck up the stairs and peaked around the corner into the bathroom. Another message was writing itself on the mirror, a dead chicken lying bloodily on the counter. An invisible paint brush seemed to dip itself into the deep gash in the chicken's stomach then drip onto the mirror. The words revealed themselves, and the mirror read, "My name is Gary, demon of helpful messages. Do not be afraid of me." 

Though I was pretty sure it wouldn't go well, I stepped around the corner. The chicken disappeared in a whirlwind of dark smoke, all that was left of Gary was the message. What if someone came over to my house and saw this? I dove under the sink and grabbed disinfecting wipes to clean off the blood. Thank god it didn't stain, these are nice counter tops. 

~+~

The next morning, I awoke to find that scrawled on my mirror was, "The self-analysis is due today."

Shoot, it was! I ran down the staircase and found it. I can skip a shower to work on this. Once again, I was running late, so I was shoving some food into my mouth and driving to work. I was able to turn in the self-analysis in the knick of time, but Mr. Barnes was not amused when I gave him a sheepish smile. 

~+~

After a month, I was truly relying upon Gary the demon, without him I would be so screwed. I really should thank him sometime. These were my thoughts as I entered the bathroom. Once again, blood dripped from my mirror, saying, "Remember you have an appointment at with SBCC's CEO tonight at 7."

"Goddamnit, Gary!" I shouted, knowing the demon could hear me, "Just use the dry erase marker, you don't have to kill a chicken every time I have an appointment. Plus, this stuff takes forever to clean up."

I rolled my eyes and threw on clothes for the day. 

~+~

"Remember you have yoga at 6 tonight." Read a bloodied mirror. I smiled and thew my phone into my yoga bag. 

~+~

I happily read the message on the mirror. "Start brunch now so you won't be stressed just before the guests arrive."

"Good idea, Gary, I'll get started." I wiped down the mirror so that house guests wouldn't see blood on the mirrors. "Oh, and don't write anything until they're gone, or they might freak out." With that, I ran downstairs to start Sunday brunch. 

~+~

I angrily marched home after another failed date with Mark Tabledart, a sexy guy who I was dating but was a jerk to me... again. I shut the door to the bathroom angrily and threw my purse down the ground. The mirror dripped with blood yet again and Gary was just finishing writing. They said, "You need to leave him, Linda May. He's a douchebag, you deserve better." 

"I know, I know, Gary. You're right. This is the last time. Will you come with for moral support?"

The word, "Yes," appeared on the mirror before the chicken disappeared. 

"Thanks, Gary."

The invisible demon followed me out of the bathroom and towards Mark's house. 

~+~

"Do NOT forget: Your mother called!" said Gary's message. 

"CRAP, GARY," I shouted in alarm, "YOU'RE RIGHT!"

~+~

And that is the story of Gary and I.


	8. Damsel In Distress (A Gay Fairytale)

Prince James looked out from the forest at the great tower looming over the land. He had finally reached it after days of work, starvation, sleeping in the cold, and drinking dirty water from the streams. There was a window at the top and a door at the bottom. But blocking his path was the final obstacle, a dragon. The dragon was blowing smoke into the air, watching it float away. 

James was not a coward. In fact, he was the classic storybook hero. He had it all: curly blonde hair, vibrant blue eyes, muscles, he was next in line for the throne, and he had slain dragons countless times before. But this was a big dragon. He was determined to get the maiden from the tower, but at the same time he really wanted to pee his trousers. But if he did that, he'd get pee on the horse. So, he swung down and crept through the trees. 

Prince James summoned his valiant courage and ran forward, drawing his sword and preparing his shield. "I am Prince James and I have come to rescue Princess Priscilla from your captivity! Move, great beast! Or I will slice you to a thousand bits!"

The dragon rolled over and sat up, looking at him. "You are taking Princess Priscilla?"

"That is right! Allow me passage or I will slay you!" Prince James shouted, swinging his sword wildly. 

The dragon rolled his eyes. "She's all yours, buddy." 

Prince James blinked. "Hang on, what?"

"I said, you can take her!" The dragon replied, stepping aside to let him go up to the door. He gestured with his front leg for James to go ahead. 

"Seriously?" asked Prince James, putting his sword away and walking up to the dragon, "Thanks man. You really did me a solid. I thought we were going to have to throw down."

The dragon scoffed. "I'm doing you no favor. Good luck with her."

Confused, but shrugging it off, Prince James awkwardly went up to the door and tried to push it. He shoved and shoved, but it didn't budge. James stepped back and pitifully kicked the door. 

"You have to pull it, dude," the dragon said, shrugging. 

Prince James blushed crimson. "Oh. I knew that." He grabbed the door and pulled it open, emerging into a small room with crates and supplies, like food. Stone stairs were to his left, so he climbed up them, only tripping once. The stairs spiraled up past many rooms until he reached the top room. The room was open, bright, and airy. The window let a gentle breeze in, fluttering the translucent gold curtains drawn back from the window. The room had stone walls and a stone floor, like the rest of the tower. The ceiling had paintings of birds and vines all over it. All of the furniture was white with gold trimming. The bed was a four poster bed with curtains around it, exactly like the ones by the window. They swung a bit, showing glimpses of a girl in the bed, reading some book. 

Prince James came forward uncertainly, finally drawing back the curtain to see the girl inside. She was beautiful. Her hair was in perfect golden ringlets, her sea green eyes were skimming the leather bound book she was reading. She was wearing a white dress with a gold belt, gold threading making designs of roses all over her fluffy skirt. 

She looked up from the book she was reading and her eyes widened at James. 

"Who are you and how the heck did you get in my tower?" She asked. Her voice was like music as her perfect pink lips formed those words. Somehow, James didn't feel that attracted to her. Wasn't he supposed to want to kiss her or something? 

Prince James snapped out of it and bowed to her. "Princess Priscilla, my name is Prince James III. I am here to rescue you from this tower and return you to your kingdom!"

Priscilla raised a brow. "Pardon me?"

"Rescue you," James repeated hesitantly, "I am here to rescue you."

Princess Priscilla set her book down and swung her legs over the bed, standing up to look at James. She looked him over distastefully. "You're my prince? Seriously? Great, just great."

James looked down at himself self consciously. "Come along, Princess. We must return you to your family!"

"Like I want to live with those flea bags. Out here, I have to put up with that ugly dragon, but it's way better. I actually get alone time to recharge." Princess Priscilla flipped her perfectly curled golden hair and turned away, flouncing over to her dresser and fixing her dress, even though there was nothing wrong with it. 

Prince James looked around uncertainly. This may have been his first rescue of a damsel in distress, but he was pretty sure that this is not how they normally went. 

"Well, you need to come back anyway. Your father, the King, is going crazy from worrying about you. You have been missing for so long. He just wants you back."

"No!" Priscilla stomped her foot and threw her perfume bottle at Prince James. He ducked and it shattered against the wall, releasing nauseating amounts of wildflower scented perfume. 

Prince James sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Princess, you have to go. Your father will behead me if I come back empty handed."

"Not my head, not my problem,"

Prince James hated himself for it, but he knew what had to be done. "Alright Princess, no more games. We're going." He went over and started to leave but noticed that she wasn't following. He sighed in exasperation, went over to her, and picked her up, and carried her out. 

"PUT ME DOWN! YOU ARE UGLY AND YOU ARE GOING TO INFECT ME WITH THE PLAGUE! I'LL DIE AND IT'LL BE ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU LITTLE CRAP!"

"Not my life, not my problem,"

"THAT IS SO RUDE! I AM, LIKE, A PRINCESS!"

"And I, like, don't care!"

Princess Priscilla huffed and didn't say anything else as they left the tower. When Prince James finally got outside, the dragon looked up. "Good riddance, Priscilla!"

"Glad to be rid of you, Fuzzy!" She retorted, tossing her hair and crossing her arms. She squirmed out of James's arms and stomped off into the woods beside him. 

James glanced back at the dragon. "His name is Fuzzy?"

Princess Priscilla did not reply. She simply stood beside the horse, nose turned up, head held high, and snooty look on her face. "Well, Prince Jim? Aren't you going to help me on this filthy animal?"

"James," he corrected, lifting her begrudgingly onto the horse. "My name is James. And don't insult my horse. Theodore is way better looking than you, darling, and he's a horse." 

"Humph!" she pouted. James swung onto the horse, taking the reins and looking back at her. She glared at him and took hold of his waist, holding on for dear life as the horse took off into the forest. 

"Bye, James!" Fuzzy called as they galloped off. He flapped his wings and took off into the sky in the opposite direction. 

***

James and Priscilla rode and rode for many days. One night, they set up camp and James was making the fire when Priscilla said, "You know, Jim-"

"James,"

"-you're not that bad. I guess you are kind of cute." she finished, pretending as if he had never interrupted her. 

James looked up from the fire and raised an eyebrow at her, "You're just noticing?"

"Well, I was distracted at first," she justified, "Wanna kiss?"

"No," James was shocked at himself. Princes dreamed of kissing beautiful Princesses like Priscilla, and here he was, turning down his chance. What was up with that?

Priscilla furrowed her brow. "Oh. Wanna make out?"

"I'm good," Was his first instinct. He reflected on what his said with confusion. What was he doing? This was what he had been told to dream for his entire life! Rescue a maiden, kiss her once, get married the next day, have children, and make the kingdom proud. The end, happily ever after and all that stuff. 

Pushing out her chest, Priscilla offered, "Wanna make babies?"

"Definitely a pass. Go get more firewood." 

Priscilla stormed off to find the wood, grumbling profanities to herself as James shook off his thoughts. He didn't like Priscilla. Not as a friend, not as more than that. Would he really have to marry her when they got back?

Priscilla returned with the firewood, still angry, but she went to sleep soon enough. James stayed up for the night watch, pondering all that had happened. 

***

The two finally approached the castle after much traveling. Prince James walked right into the throne room and let the king hug his daughter (who was scowling the entire time) before going to the guest chambers. The king was so pleased that he let James stay for awhile until Priscilla and James got married (which, James did not want to do, but he couldn't say that). 

That night, he sneaked out of his chambers to creep down to the kitchens and get something to eat. When he walked in, he saw a young boy his age kneading dough. He was the only one in the kitchen and was humming softly to himself. The boy had brown hair that fell in locks around his face and hazel eyes. The boy brushed his hair from his eyes and continued working on the dough.

James felt his heart lurch and his throat go dry. When he looked at the boy's beautiful face, he knew that the way he felt about the boy was the way other princes felt when they saw the maidens that they rescued. In his shock, he stumbled and knocked a pot off the counter. 

The boy jumped, yelping, and turned around. He froze on the spot, eyes wide. "P- Prince James? What are you d- doing here?"

Prince James blushed a deep red, wringing his hands. "Uh... just seeing if I could find a late night snack."

"Oh. I, um, I could help," the boy went over to a cupboard and pulled out an apple. He tossed it to James, who caught it awkwardly, face turning even redder. 

He took a bite. It was sour but sweet, and very juicy. "Thanks,"

The boy came over and smiled, bringing an apple for himself. "You're welcome. Uh, I'm Jackson,"

"I'm James. Oh, crap, you already knew that, you said my name. Sorry, I just wasn't thinking,"

"Oh, no, it's fine," Jackson assured, also turning red. They ate in silence for a moment before Jackson said, "So... you're marrying Priscilla. She's... pretty."

"Yeah, pretty conceited." James replied bitterly. His eyes widened. "Did I say that out loud?"

Jackson smiled, "Don't worry, I won't tell. She is conceited. And rude, snobby, arrogant... Should I be saying that to her fiance? Shoot, I'm sorry-"

"Don't be! I loathe her."

"So you don't want to marry her?"

"No," James confessed, finally realizing why he didn't like her and why his heart did flips around Jackson, "She's not my type."

Jackson gave a halfhearted chuckle, looking anywhere but at James. He felt his face heat up again. He had known for a long time that he wasn't interested in girls, but James made his mind go wild. "W- What is your type?"

James froze. He didn't quite know what to say. Grasping for words, he stuttered out, "I like... brown hair. Um, hazel eyes. An easy-to-talk-to kind of personality. Someone not stuck up."

Jackson could have sworn his heart jumped out of his chest. He had brown hair, hazel eyes, and easy-to-talk-to-personality, and he wasn't stuck up. But there was one major flaw, he wasn't a girl. At least, that's what Jackson thought was a problem. 

"What about you?" James asked, calmer when he wasn't making eye contact, "What's your type?"

"I like guys!" Jackson blurted, then slapped a hand over his mouth. He stepped back hastily, knocking a rolling pin to the floor. His apple fell from his hand as he felt himself tear up. "I- I'm sorry! I'll go, I know you don't want to be around-"

Jackson was cut off when James grabbed him around the waist and pulled him in for a kiss. It was slow and sweet, holding tons of emotion. Jackson kissed James with equally as much passion, running his hands through James's golden curls. They finally broke apart, breathing heavily. 

James breathed, "My type is guys, too," and they kissed again.

***

The next morning, James went to the throne room to talk with the king. He fearfully approached the throne, knowing that the king would be angry about what he had to say. He wanted to politely call off the engagement (and sneak away with Jackson that night, but he wouldn't tell the king that part.)

But before he got a word out, Priscilla ran into the throne room, screaming, "HE KISSED THAT KITCHEN BOY! HE KISSED A FILTHY SERVANT!"

The king's eyes widened, "What?"

"HE'S GAY, DADDY! HE'S GAY! I LOVED HIM AND HE HAD TO BE FREAKING GAY!"

The king turned to Prince James hatefully. "You cheated on my little princess with a servant boy?"

"Uh... no?" The sheepish smile he gave the king did not satisfy the ruler.

"How dare you cheat on Priscilla, and with a... a boy! You both will executed at morning light!" The king declared. Guards surged forward and seized him, forcing him to his knees. 

"Our kingdoms have an alliance!" James shouted desperately, "You are breaking that alliance?"

"Yes. Which boy was it? Tell us so we can seize him! If you do, your death will be quick and painless." The king demanded. 

James set his jaw. There was no way they would ever make him rat Jackson out. "No,"

"Fine!" The king roared, turning to Priscilla, "Darling, which boy was it?"

She whipped around and pointed at Jackson, who was standing in the back of the throne room, frozen in shock. 

Some guards ran after him, but he ran to James's side. Jackson punched two of the guards while James kicked the two holding him. They grabbed hands and fled the throne room. As they exited, they heard Priscilla shriek, "SCREW YOU, JAMES!"

"YOU WISH!" James called over his shoulder as he ran. 

Jackson took the chance to shout, "I'll be the only one doing that!"

The boys laughed as they ran out, Priscilla gaping in shock at them. She pursed her lips, flipped her hair, and stormed back to her chambers to throw darts at her paintings of James. 

As for James and Jackson, they lived happily ever after. 

The end.


	9. Poetry

Disclaimer: I have a friend who wrote this poem, it doesn't belong to me!

 

 

Me no study, me no care

Me go marry a millionaire

If he die, me no cry

Me go marry another guy!


	10. Eye Contact

I was sitting at a table for two alone, waiting for a date that probably stood me up, considering he was supposed to be here an hour ago. I stirred my root beer with a straw. The ice was all melted now, leaving just a bit of watery soda at the bottom.

My waitress came up with a pitcher to refill my drink. She gave me a sympathetic look. "Do you want the bill?"

I shook my head. "No. I might as well get a dessert. What's on the menu?"

"We have a chocolate cake that's to die for."

I smiled a bit at her. "That sounds great."

She left and disappeared around a corner to tend to some other customers. I stared at the table for awhile, but soon I was looking off in the distance, completely zoned out. Random thoughts about grocery lists and college exams filled my head. Eventually, I blinked and realized that I wasn't looking at the roof or wall. I was staring at a boy my age. He was looking at me, too, a concerned expression on his face.

I instantly went a deep shade of red. I had no idea how long he had known I was staring at him. My eyes stayed glued to the table until the cake came. The waitress set it down. The slice they gave me was huge.

"This is giant!" I exclaimed, turning the plate so I could angle it better. "There is no way I can eat all this!"

She laughed and left, serving someone else their entrees. I eyed the cake. I guess I'd just get a box or something. I was just eating my first bite when someone slid into the chair across from me.

I looked up, about to tell off my date for being so late, but I froze when I realized it was the boy I was staring at when I spaced out. He had tousled brown hair and vibrant green eyes that shined up at me across the table. He had a fork in his hand and he stole a bite of my cake.

"I noticed you staring at me," he said after he swallowed.

"Oh, n- no," I stuttered, flustered. "I was spacing out and I just... sorry."

He smiled, taking another bite of my cake. "It's fine. That happens to me, too."

"Why are you eating my cake?"  
"You said it yourself, love, you can't finish it on your own and chocolate is my weakness." He took some more, but I grabbed a bite, too.

"Alright."

The cake was gone and the waitress came back with the bill, which he paid even though I told him he didn't need to. He walked me to my car and got my number.

Maybe awkward eye contact could be a good thing after all.


	11. Never Fear, Platypi Is Here!

It was a peaceful day in Turret City, people laughing, kids running to play on the playgrounds, couples walking hand in hand, and a girl in spandex standing on top of city hall. No, she was no ordinary girl. Her name was Sadie Chester, a girl who just had graduated high school, and was now enjoying her summer vacation. Though most people knew Sadie by a different name: Platypi. Sadie was a superhero, and she was not a very good one, but she would never admit that. Sadie was a background superhero who never did much, she was just kind of... there. The real superstar of Turret City was Raiju, a superhero with a costume that sort of reminded Sadie of a wolf, but it was hard to tell as Raiju always had lightning crackling around his body. If she was honest with herself, Sadie had always been rather jealous of Raiju and the way he always stole the show when he fought The Wyvern, his sworn enemy. The Wyvern was a force to be reckoned with and he terrorized the city day after day with the powers of fire and flight. Today was not an exception, as the part of city by the waterpark spontaneously burst into flames. 

Platypi looked up suddenly and burst into action, taking off down the streets of the city, striking action poses along the way. She loved when people looked at her and thought, "Who is that goddess in green and orange spandex?"

Platypi arrived at the scene of destruction and began to sneak behind some buildings, looking up to see that The Wyvern was already shooting spirals of fire towards Raiju, but he was deflecting each blast with his shield power and shooting lightning whenever he could, but the villain would just drape his cloak designed to resemble scales around himself and the lightning would do no good. Like any other day, they simply couldn't beat each other. It was up to Platypi. Platypi burrowed into the ground and tunneled up right beneath Raiju, who fell into the tunnel with grace, landing in a dramatic pose and leaping up. 

"What the- Who are you?" asked the male hero. 

Sadie flipped her brown curls behind her shoulder. "I am... Platypi!"

"Platypi? What kind of hero name is that?" Raiju ran a hand through his dark, tousled locks. 

"For your information," growled Sadie, "It is the plural form of a platypus, so it's cool." 

"Actually, the plural form of a platypus is platypuses." 

Sadie ignored that. "We need to take down The Wyvern, focus!"

"We?"

"Yes, now what's our plan?"

"No! The Wyvern is my nemesis, and anyway, I don't need any help from a hero whose name is based on the Ornithorhynchus anatinus. Now, if you will excuse me, I have work to do." Raiju turned sassily and flew out of the tunnel. 

Platypi sighed. That little diva would never appreciate the art of the Platypus. Sadie tunneled out as fast as she could and charged Wyvern, her wooden paddle in her hand, designed to look like the tail of a platypus. Wyvern barely noticed her, and only looked at her when she had hit him square on the head. He whipped around, summoning a fireball in his hands, but froze when he realized that the one behind him was not Raiju, but her. 

"Who are you?" He asked, still holding the fireball. His mask crinkled near his eyebrows as he squinted at her. "Is that an oar?"

Sadie put her hands on her hips dramatically. "I am Platypi, the superhero. And no, it's not an oar, it's a paddle."

"Kinky."

Raiju popped up out of Sadie's tunnel, coughing up some dirt. He looked up, saw her, and groaned, hauling himself out of the hole. "I told you to go away. This is too dangerous for you."

Sadie shook her head fiercely. "I am a superhero, I fight for justice, and I will not leave." She turned to look at Wyvern. "You are a super villain."

"Keen observation." Wyvern sarcastically said. 

"I am going to take you down." She brandished her paddle menacingly, "So get ready to DIE!"

Wyvern raised an eyebrow. "Raiju, did you get a sidekick or something?"

Sadie scoffed. "No. If anything, he's my sidekick."

Raiju rolled his eyes, standing and brushing the dirt off of suit. "Look, Platypus-"

"Platypi."

"Whatever. You need to leave. This fight is between me and Wyvern. You're going to get hurt."

"No, I won't. I'm powerful enough to fight with you!" Sadie protested, flipping her cape back for good measure. 

Wyvern crossed his arms, facing her. "What powers do you have, anyway?"

"I can dig tunnels."

There was a long silence. 

"Anything else...?"

"I have venom. Like a platypus. Did you know they're poisonous?"

"Yes," Raiju answered.

Wyvern shook his head. "No. Wait, Raiju, you knew that? Nerd."

"Well you're stupid," Raiju answered. "Platypus-"

"Platypi!" Wyvern and Sadie corrected in sync. 

Raiju rubbed his temples to soothe an oncoming headache. He was sick and tired of minor superheroes getting in the way of battles between himself and his nemesis. "You need to leave. You're in the way."

"NO! I AM JUST AS CAPABLE AS YOU ARE! YOU DON'T RULE THE WORLD!"

Wyvern looked over at her approvingly. 

"Alright, that's it!" Raiju shouted, "Leave, or I will blast you, too!"

Platypi readied her paddle. "Bring it on."

Raiju launched into the sky and shot a bolt of electricity straight towards her. Sadie dodged narrowly, but two more bolts shot down, slamming into her and knocking her to the ground. There was ringing in her ears as her vision went foggy and drifted into nothingness. 

~+~

When Sadie woke up, she was in an alley, head pounding and body aching. The park was nearby, supers nowhere to be seen and firetrucks extinguishing the tube slide. She winced as she sat up, still feeling the pain of Raiju's lightning strikes. 

"I swear," She muttered to herself. "I am never fighting with him again. I'm joining the dark side. Supervillain Sadie, here I come."

She glanced down and realized that tied around her ankle with a string was a piece of paper. She loosened the knot and unfolded it. There was a note, signed by The Wyvern, and written to her. 

Dear Platypi, 

You're funny and pretty cool for a superhero. Tomorrow at 5, meet me here. There's a stunning view of the city from the top of the bank. Maybe you'd want to come to see it with me?

P.S. Bring your paddle. After we look at the view we can rob it.

-Wyvern 

Sadie smiled softly to herself. Robbing a bank? Yeah, that sounded pretty fun.


	12. The (Not) Amazon Rainforest

Warning: Strong Language

I knocked a palm leaf aside and huffed, blowing a mosquito out of my face. It was so humid I thought I would melt. 

Sam was ahead, looking down at his map and muttering to himself. 

"Why won't you just admit that we're lost?" 

"Because we're not lost." 

I rolled my eyes. "We have walked past that banana tree eight times." 

"It's the jungle, Trevor, there's a lot of banana trees." 

"Yeah, Trevor," Ian chimed. 

"No one asked for your opinion, Ian." 

Ian, with his over-sized glasses, khaki pants, and boy scouts backpack waddled up to walk beside me. He looked down at his compass before glancing all around, squinting as if that would make identifying one jungle leaf from another easier. 

I sighed. "Why did I ever agree to go on this trip. 'It'll be fun,' they said. 'You'll get to help find this ancient artifact,' they said. 'It'll be a good group bonding activity. Maybe we can sight-see. We know where we're going.' You guys are the worst." 

"Well, maybe if someone had taken the time to highlight the route on our map, we'd be on track." 

I smacked a mosquito on my arm and groaned. "This is so not worth it." 

"Are you kidding me?" Sam asked, "We completely flunked Brazillian Historical Artifacts, History, and Cultures. Do you know how much money that'd waste? I can't believe Professor Conners said that all we had to do was get this artifact and we'd get an A in the class." 

Ian smirked. "I'm not here for the A. I already have one. I'm here for the historical significance. And to make sure you handle the artifact properly." 

"Yes, Ian, we know," Sam growled. 

I frowned when we passed the same banana tree again. 

"Can you even read a map?" Ian asked. 

Sam scoffed. "Of course I can read a map. How else could I play Fortnite?" 

Ian looked over Sam's shoulder. "It's sideways." 

"Oh come on, Sam!" I cried as he sheepishly turned the map to the right position. 

"My bad." 

We kept walking, me with no motivation, Ian with too much, and Sam with just enough to kind of read the map. The longer we walked, the denser the forest became, and soon we had to climb over roots, rocks, and hills. The sun was setting and we still had no idea where we were. 

"We should make camp," I decided. 

Ian nodded, sitting down on a rock. "Yeah. Make it well, guys. There are vampire bats in this region." 

"Thanks, Ian. That's super helpful." 

Sam and I started unpacking the tent. Technically, nowhere was safe. A shelter in the trees meant venomous snakes, insects, lizards, and frogs. A shelter on the ground meant tigers, jaguars, leopards, panthers, cougars, bullet ants, and more insects than I could list. 

After setting up the tent, we collected nearby wood and kindling to light a fire (Ian took forever to strike the match). When it was finally burning, we felt a bit better. Ian said that the big cats would stay away if we kept our fire running. I said that if a tiger eats me, I'd kill him. 

We lay in the tent, completely wrapped in blankets despite the heat. The last thing we needed was a deadly spider to bite us. It was stuffy, miserable, and I could hear things moving outside that did NOT sound friendly. 

=+=

I woke up in a pool of my own sweat. My clothes were soaked and the tent smelled awful. Especially since Ian refused to wear deodorant. He thinks that the chemicals in it are 'unnatural.' 

When we ate protein bars around our fire for breakfast, Ian decided to tell us about poison dart frogs and how they were native to these regions. 

Sam finally surrendered the map to Ian, so when we were hiking again, I think we were going the right way. 

"We could be in Rio right now," I told Sam. "We flew to Brazil and instead of hooking up with hot Brazillian chicks, we're hiking in the rainforest." 

"I know, right?" Ian beamed, "This is awesome." 

"Not what I meant." 

We kept traveling, stopping every ten minutes for Ian to retie his shoes until we came to a body of water seperating us from our destination. 

"This wasn't on the map," Ian frowned. 

Sam shrugged. "Guess we're going swimming." 

"Wait!" Ian cried. "Those waters are dangerous. There could be piranhas, electric eels, alligators, bull sharks, or anacondas in there!"

Sam rolled his eyes, starting to pull off his shirt. "You think a snake can eat me? I wouldn't fit inside a snake." 

"Anacondas have been known to overpower jaguars before ripping them to pieces and eating them."

Sam stopped and slowly put back on his shirt. "Okay, so swimming isn't an option." 

"Maybe we could go around it," I suggested. 

"Look around, Trevor, this stupid river has no end in sight. It's probably, like, the Amazon." 

"The Amazon is farther west than here." 

"Shut up, Ian." 

I looked around. Everything was either green or brown and it kind of all blurred together. There were just trees and vines. Then I had an idea. 

"Ok, what if we climbed a tree and swung across?" 

"Like Tarzan?" Sam asked

I nodded. "Yeah, but without the noises." 

"Dude, if I'm swinging across the Amazon River,-" 

"-not the Amazon-"

"-Shut up Ian. Then I'm going to make the noises." 

I shrugged. "Suit yourself." 

"That will never work," Ian protested, "Those vines aren't strong enough." 

I laughed. "Maybe not to carry your fat ass, but we'll make it across just fine. Good luck swimming, though. Maybe it'll be harder for the anacondas to eat you due to your size." 

"Fine. Swing across if you want. But when that vine snaps and you fall in with the electric eels, I'm going to laugh." Ian opened his massive backpack and rifled through it. 

"What are you looking for?" Sam asked. 

"Rope." 

"That's probably a good idea." 

We got the rope all tied up and managed to swing across without dying (although it was a close call for Sam, who was distracted by his Tarzan noises and forgot that he was supposed to let go and slammed into the riverbank, meaning we had to drag him up, which became especially stressful when we saw an anaconda emerge from the water). 

The rest of the hike was spent bickering and firing insults at each other until we suddenly came to a stop. "What?" I asked. 

"Shh!" Sam hushed. 

I peeked around him and froze. In the not-so-distant distance was a tiger, licking its paws under a tree. It looked at ease and hadn't noticed us yet, so, of course, Ian had to go and mess it all up. 

"Hey, guys, whatcha looking at?" 

The tiger's head whipped around as it sprang to its feet. A low growl made my hairs stand on end. We were so screwed. 

Ian realized his mistake and his eyes widened. No one moved, unsure of what to do until Ian whispered, "Slowly, slowly back away. Make no sudden moves. Don't look it in the eye. Do we have a gun to fire a warning shot?" 

"No," Sam whispered back, "we have no weapons." 

"What? Why?" 

"Because Trevor said that he didn't want to buy ones here cause that's sketchy and we can't take them on the plane." 

Ian glared at me. "Okay, do we have an airhorn?" 

Sam shook his head and Ian's eyes widened. "Oh my god, Trevor-" 

"Guys, this is not the time for debate," I shot back. 

Ian nodded. "He's right. Don't show your teeth, hold up your hands to seem bigger. Stay calm."

"There's a fucking tiger right there and you're telling me to stay calm?" I hissed. 

"Just keep backing away." 

We took small steps backward, trying not to break into a run. But that low, deadly growl still made me pee my pants. Literally. 

The tiger still had not come closer and we were getting pretty far away, so I thought maybe we were off the hook until Sam stepped back and his foot caught on a tree root. He fell to the ground, exclaiming, "Ow!" 

Our eyes widened. The tiger ran forward as I grabbed Sam's shirt and pulled him up. Then, we did what anyone would do. We ran. 

We ran for what felt like forever. I'm not even ashamed to admit that I was crying the whole time we ran. Could you blame me? I was being chased by a tiger. 

After about a mile of running, we stopped, and that was when we realized that the tiger didn't follow us once we started running. 

Our group fell to the ground, gasping for air and hearts pounding. I still had tears streaming down my face and I noticed that Ian did, too. Sam was just in shock, staring ahead blankly, unable to think. 

It was a long time before I could wipe the tears off my face and say, "Oh my god." 

Ian wiped his face, too. "I think we're the luckiest people alive." 

"You call a wild tiger encounter lucky?" Sam said, finally out of shock. 

"I call escaping from a wild tiger encounter lucky." 

"That is a fair point." 

=+=

After that, we took a different route to get to our destination. A route with a VERY large arc around where we saw not-so-friendly Tigger. 

When we came to the cave that was supposed to have the artifact we needed, I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. There were spiderwebs all over the entrance. Massive, thick, spiderwebs with way more strength than they should have had. 

We used branches to swat the webs and clear the entrance and I spent the whole task trying not to puke or cry again. 

Inside the cave wasn't much better. It was grimy with more beetles and centipedes than I cared for as well as weird carvings on the walls. We ventured inside, wandering with our flashlights and hoping we didn't encounter a panther. 

At the back of the cave was a pedestal. On top of it was an old vase with carvings on it that depicted the jungle as well as some of its creatures. 

"Are you kidding me?" I wondered aloud, "We did all this... for a fucking vase?" 

Sam frowned. "Maybe it has some historical significance. More than meets the eye, you know?" 

I glared at him. "It's a vase." 

"Whatever, just get it. Being stranded out here with you guys is fun and all, but I haven't taken a shower in days and I really need one." 

"We know," I grumbled as I picked up the vase. Ian took it from me and did whatever you're supposed to do with artifacts (I don't know, it's not like I paid any attention in class... that's why I'm here in the first place) and followed us out of the cave. 

=+=

The journey back wasn't as terrible as the one we took to get here, but by the time we saw civilization, I was so close to sacrificing Ian to the snakes that I would have snapped at any moment. 

We stayed with the same villagers that had housed us before our hike, thankful to be in a building and away from tigers. Sam sang "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" about fourteen times before I punched him and Ian told him that lions don't live in the jungle.

The next day, we were on a bus back to a real city with things like electricity and plumbing. I've never been happier than I was using the public bathrooms at the airport. 

Our flight was incredibly long and of course, I got stuck with the middle seat. Sam teased me about it but honestly, I was happy just to be in a seat, even if it was by the airport bathrooms and I could hear some couple having sex in there. 

And landing? That was amazing. I had wifi and burgers and people spoke English. It was heaven. The whole trip lasted two weeks, so we were expecting our professor to be very proud of us when we came back to his class with the vase. 

Professor Conners studied the vase and nodded. "Yep, it's authentic." 

"So does this mean I get an A?" I asked, incredibly eager. 

He looked up. "For what? Going on vacation? I'd hardly call that worthy of an A." 

Sam and I were dead silent until I said, "We almost got eaten by a tiger, Professor." 

"You shouldn't have wandered into its territory," he said, shrugging. 

Sam grit his teeth. "I was nearly strangled by an Anaconda, Professor." 

"I told you that the waters were unsafe. We talked about that in class. If you weren't paying attention, that's your fault." 

I took a step forward. "We hiked for ten days, Professor." 

"Good for you! Getting some exercise in." 

Sam took two steps forward. "We put ourselves at risk of being killed by vampire bats, Professor." 

"Nature, right?" 

Sam and I kept slowly advancing. "We swung across the Amazon River-

"-not the Amazon-"

"-Shut up, Ian, to find that for you, Professor." 

Our teacher stood up, reading the room and realizing that we were really serious. "That must have been fun!" 

"I have thirty mosquito bites, Professor, and those are only the ones on my ass." 

"Darn mosquitos! Hope you were vaccinated!" He chuckled nervously. 

Sam growled, "We got thirteen shots each to travel, Professor." 

"Good thing your immune systems have a boost!"

I picked up the vase from the professor's desk. He gasped and moved forward but I dangled it out on one finger. "I had no electricity or plumbing for two weeks, Professor." 

"I drank dirty water for two weeks, Professor." 

"I lived in a tent with Ian, who refused to put on deodorant when it was 100 Degrees Fahrenheit out, Professor." 

"I hiked with Ian for two weeks, Professor." 

Our teacher held up his hands. "Okay, look, guys. The school doesn't allow me to just give you A's for getting me stuff. That's not a fair system. So, I'm sorry, but-" 

My voice grew louder. "I had to eat fucking beetles, Professor." 

"I have fourteen different spider bites, Professor." 

We stopped. Professor Conners was in the corner, hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay, you can have your A's." 

Slowly, I set the vase back down on his desk. "If I see my report card and I don't have 100% in this class, I will use a skill I learned while preparing animals for food in a remote South American village- skinning you alive and eating the strips of your flesh like beef jerky. Got that?" 

Professor Conners nodded hysterically.

"Good." 

Sam and I stormed out of the classroom, high fiving as Ian scuttled after us. 

"That was awesome!" I grinned. 

Sam nodded. "I guess we learned a thing or two about intimidation from that tiger." 

Ian laughed, and honestly, it didn't even annoy me.


	13. Prom Night

Prom night sucks. It's nothing like it is in those cheesy teen movies with no real difference in plot or characters. First, there was getting a date. That on its own was hell. It took me three weeks to gather the courage to ask someone to the dance. Then I got rejected. I thought that would be where it ended- with me not going to the dance, staying at home, crying, and eating ice cream. But then I lost a bet to my best friend and not only did I have to go to prom, but I also had to go with a mini sewing machine (not sure where he came up with that idea).

After that, I had to get ready, which is so stressful and draining. Buying a tux, getting a rose for the pocket, etc, etc.

You'd think the weirdest thing that happened would be that sewing machine. But when my mom was taking my picture on the sidewalk, a UPS truck ran into the river behind me.

If that isn't a sign that this would be a disaster, I don't know what is.

So, really, I should have stopped right there. I should have said, "Nope, obviously this is going to be the worst night of my life and I'd be better off going home."

But I didn't say that. Instead, my stupid butt and I went to the school, stumbled into the gym, and tried to dance with the other kids my age. By the time I was doing the cupid shuffle, I was a sweaty, smelly, wreck that scared off the girls standing by the snack table. Apparently, my deodorant had worn off.

I sighed, leaning against the table and pushing a brownie in my mouth. My friend, Eric, the same one who had dared me to take that stupid sewing machine to prom, came over with a large smirk on his face.

"Looking good, A.J."

I glared at him. "Go to hell."

"Man, you are ripe! And your attitude isn't helping."

"Haha, you're so funny. God, this is terrible. And look," I said, pointing to the brunette that had rejected me dancing with one of the jocks, "Hannah is grinding on Bryce Williams."

He clapped me on the shoulder. "That blows, man. You'll find love someday. In the meantime, you can always date Becky Brown."

I wrinkled my nose and looked over at the blonde with headgear that was wearing a hot pink, fluffy dress and trying to do the Charleston. "Oh, god, no."

"Well, either way, have fun. I'm going to go ask someone to dance."

"Great. Have fun," I said sarcastically as Eric left.

With a heavy heart, I ladled some punch into a cup and downed it. It tasted a bit off, but then again, everything tastes worse when you eat it at school.

Three cups in, I was starting to feel woozy, and after four, I was shaking myself around on the dance floor like a maniac, laughing and finally forgetting about all the bad things that happened earlier.

Vaguely, I was aware of Eric trying to drag me home at the end of the night, but honestly, I wasn't perceiving much until I was home, puking over my toilet.

"You good?" Eric asked.

I groaned in response.

"Dude, how much did you drink?"

"None! The only thing I had was punch, I swear!" I slurred before diving back over the bowl to continue spilling my guts.

"Yeah, the spiked punch."

"What?"

"You are so dumb. Of course, it wasn't just regular, boring punch. What fun would that be? Dang, how much did you have?"

My eyes teared up. "Five cups."

"Holy crap! Five? Dude, you can't hold your liquor at all. Why did you have that much, you psychopath?"

"I didn't know it was spiked!"

He laughed. "Oh man. This is hilarious."

Feeling soberer, I looked over at him, sniffling and wiping my mouth. "I don't even remember what happened."

"I can tell you what happened. First, you danced like some kind of stripper on steroids. Not a pretty sight, A.J, I gotta be honest. Second, you broke your sewing machine. Total investment wasted. Then you made out with Becky Brown."

I gagged. "Ew!"

"Yep. I have no idea how you maneuvered around all the headgear, but you were pretty determined. I guess anything's possible if you put your mind to it. Oh, and it's all over her Snapchat story."

I ran a hand through my hair, infinitely stressed. "Everyone's going to murder me on Monday. Ugh, Becky Brown of all people..."

"Hey, at least you have the weekend. Wanna know what happened after that?"

"Not particularly."

"You threw up on Hannah."

My eyes widened. "No."

"Yes. Bryce punched you. That's why you have a black eye."

Gingerly, I touched my face, wincing when I felt pain shoot through my skin. "Oh man."

"Then, a teacher realized how wasted you were and tried to get onto you but you called her... well... you weren't very nice. After that, I decided to take you home."

Suddenly, I sat up. "My parents!"

"They aren't home."

"Oh, thank god."

"Yeah. But you should probably drink some coffee and get a change of clothes. You smell like a trashy backstreet bar that isn't up to state safety regulations."

I nodded, exhausted. "Probably. Thanks, Eric, for taking me home."

"No problem. I'm going to head back to my place, will you be good here by yourself?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

"Okay. Sleep on your side, got it?"

"Got it."

Eric pushed himself up from his seated position on the floor beside me and headed for the door. He stopped suddenly and turned back. "Oh, and before I forget- I'm pretty sure you're dating Becky now."

He left before I could get in another word. Well, shit.


End file.
